Okay, who made up this auspicious "glow" that all pregnant women hear about? I'd like to meet that person and personally congratulate him on pulling off the Greatest Hoax of All Time. I sincerely suspect that what really happened, back long before our day, to create this idea of a pregnant woman having an aura of peace, calm, and radiance was actually this:
Late one evening, a group of Neanderthals was sitting around a campfire, ugging and ooging about their day, when a pregnant Neanderthal waddled up. The light and shadows of the campfire illuminated her as she came to the scene in her monstrous state, and everyone sitting around the fire was startled and began shrieking and running around in terror. With their limited vocabulary, they managed, "Ahh!!! Glow!!!," to express their fear of this glowing, shadowy monster. However, when they realized it was just their boat-sized tribeswoman in the latter stages of pregnancy, illuminated by the glow of the fire, they all felt terrible. But an extremely clever and diplomatic member of the tribe, who was more quick-witted than the rest, spoke up in hopes of saving the day. He said in an awed, respectful tone, "Ohhhhhh....Gloooooowwww!! OOooohhh!!" And the rest of the tribesmen quickly followed suit.
Willing to believe anything in her fragile pregnant state (and already a bit dumber than dirt, given that she was a Neanderthal), she believed them. Seeing how encouraged she was and how much her mood improved over the course of the evening, the rest of the tribesmen got to thinking. It really was unpleasant when their pregnant, hormonal Neanderbrides started smashing rocks and throwing bones, and they really could use a leg up during what was normally a very unpredictable and unfulfilling phase of marital loving. So they started trying the same tack on all their pregnant wives. Lo and behold, this pregnant glow thing really took off!
Even females in the tribe started complimenting each other on their glows; because even though they didn't really see any glow, they didn't want to appear dumber and less observant than the other tribespeople. And besides, what female doesn't want to believe in some glow that she might possibly get when it's her turn to look like a beached whale? It was worth hoping!
And that brings us to our current fixation on the pregnant glow. I hear about it. "Oh, my word, but you should have seen her. She was just gorgeous during her pregnancy. She LITERALLY glowed!!" I see news stories on it. "Stay tuned for our next segment: 5 Tips on How You Can Get That Pregnant Glow!" I read about it. "When hormonal levels are raised, the increased estrogen and blood flow results in a more flush, brighter appearance to your skin..." But thus far, actually seeing this pregnant glow myself has been as lucky a search as my quest to meet a snipe.
As tempting as it is to believe that some hormonal change is going to make you beautiful when your belly doubles in size, your calves and ankles turn into cankles and your feet swell like over-filled water balloons, you begin sweating from places you didn't even know have sweat glands, and you begin to waddle like Daisy Duck, I think that you really need to let yourself off the hook and just accept that the only glow you will acquire during pregnancy will be from the scorching fire burning in your esophagus from uncontrollable heartburn and indigestion.
I know I got told I had the glow - which I certainly appreciated. Though this neither boosted my confidence in those individuals' grips on reality nor their integrity. Being my first pregnancy, I really didn't show for a very long time. Oh, I gained weight. BOY, did I gain weight! (49.5 lbs. over the course of the pregnancy.) But with the way it distributed, my belly didn't "pop" until almost 6 months in. So instead of looking all cutesie with my lovely little baby belly, I really just looked fat.
When I FINALLY started looking pregnant, it was around the 5.5 month mark. I was standing in the Walmart check-out, and the cashier, without hesitating, asked me off-handedly, "When are you due?" I think people had been afraid until this point to ask that question for fear it would be met with tears and a very awkward moment explaining that I wasn't pregnant and was actually just an overweight glutton with disproportionate fat distribution. I looked kinda pregnant, but it was the awkward period of not looking pregnant enough for people to risk asking. So when the cashier asked my due date, without hesitation or reticence, I nearly threw my arms around her and kissed her! THANK YOU!!! I finally look pregnant!!!
As fate would have it, though, soon after that point, I really began to feel pregnant. I'd dealt with nausea and exhaustion during the first trimester, and all through the second and third I had horrific back pain (and basically didn't sleep for 6 months before or after the baby was born). But until the third trimester, I didn't feel pregnant so much as run down and a bit "off." Third trimester rolled around, however, and I was amazed at how much you can feel like you've been hit by a mack truck without actually having been so.
By the end of the pregnancy (around week 36 or 37), I was so miserable, I quite literally got down on my hands and knees and began begging God for mercy and to bring my son early. While I wish I could say this was from maternal glowing embers of love and impatience to just have my little bundle of joy in my arms, it was actually one hundred percent self-serving out of a desperate plea to have my body back. "Please, God, give me my body back! I just want to feel human again! I feel like I am hosting an alien that is leaching me of all sanity and sustainability, and I need him to be out!!"
When he did finally come out (only 3 days early), I felt an immediate, immeasurable joy and passion for the beautiful creation God had blessed me with growing inside me, and I will never be able to put into words the love I felt (and still feel) for my little alien.
That being said, growing a creation within your body for nine months does come at a price. A price I gladly paid and would pay over and over and over and over again for my precious little miracle.
But if you are pregnant, sitting around wondering where your pregnant glow is, let me reassure you: it will never come. Your glow will come the second AFTER you give birth, when you see your miraculous, amazing, incredible bundle of beauty that you grew and protected in your body. Yes, at a sacrifice to your own well-being and health, but a sacrifice that does not even come close to matching the blessing of your beloved child. So hang onto that hope, and stop waiting around for your pregnant glow. Your glow is coming; it's just on the other side of that belly.
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